So, I did it. I cleared out my writing room, completely overhauled it. I meant to write about it earlier, how freeing the experience was, but I’ve been busy, too busy to do much blogging, and by the time I was slightly less busy, the Implications had hit me, knocked me into a mental and emotional tailspin. “Freeing” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

It started innocently enough. I seized a quiet afternoon and began dragging the junk out of my writing room, doing some deep thinking. The room was symbolic of my internal state, I figured. Cluttered. Invaded. So full of other people’s stuff that I could barely move, barely function, much less succeed. I nodded, clear-minded and determined, and cleared everyone else’s stuff out.

Then I looked at what was left.

All that pretty, girly clutter I talked about looked different, when I thought of the room as an extension of myself. It was a shrine to childhood, a safe, insular cocoon padded with dolls, teddy bears, charm bracelets, even the Sesame Street blanket I had slept under as a toddler! How can a person move forward in a room like that??? How many people pursue successful careers with their blankies wrapped around their shoulders? It was clearly the room of someone terrified of moving forward, someone desperately seeking security in their past. It was the room of someone who would sabotage efforts at growth, who would abandon paths that led past the comfortable suppositions of their childhood.

I got a box. I packed up blankies, the dollies, the ceramic ballerinas and Holly Hobby mirrors that had graced my childhood, and put them in the storage closet. I relocated my teddy bear. (Okay, I know, but Honey Bear and I have been through a lot together, and he does NOT go in a box.:-D) I scrubbed everything down, set a vase of flowers and my laptop on the desk, and surveyed my work. I was triumphant. I was empowered. The runway was clear, and I was ready for take-off.

And now, I am terrified. Confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, and terrified.

*sigh*

But at least my room is clean. :-/