About a week ago, Don Miller wrote two posts entitled “How to Live a Great Love Story.” Part One is for the ladies, Part Two is for the guys. Some people loved them, some people hated them, and I think almost everyone was surprised to hear these startlingly traditional narratives coming out of Don Miller’s mouth.
I thought his posts were insightful, and shed a lot of light on what’s happening in young people’s relationships nowadays. I also thought his posts were troubling, and possibly indicative of WHY so many young people are struggling.
Girls, by all means, respect yourselves! Boys, by all means, ditch the Xbox! Don’s right on there. But please, PLEASE, don’t do it because you want to have a love story that looks like (and these are Don Miller’s examples) Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Twilight, or Jane Eyre.
Those are the WRONG STORIES. They’re emotionally titillating, sure. But they’re also extremely unhealthy (with the possible exception of The Notebook, which I thought was an amazingly boring book).
I find it ironic that all the characters on Don’s list ended up dead (or undead), with the exception of Jane Eyre, who’s wedding dress was set on fire by her fiance’s crazy wife who he locked up in the attic. (If I remember correctly, Wife #1 dies in the blaze, Mr. Rochester is blinded trying to save Wife #1, and then Jane marries blind Mr. Rochester, now that the crazy lady is out of the way. Romantic, huh? Somehow, we seem to think so.)
Memo to my girls: It’s best to avoid emotionally-abusive men who lock their wives in the attic. It’s probably best to stay away from vampires and virile teens with swords, too. Just sayin’.
But somehow, our society has confused THOSE STORIES with love stories. We’ve come to expect them, to demand them.
That’s REALLY unhealthy.
Personally, I hate those stories. I’m not into alpha heroes, particularly when they need to be mean, violent, brooding, or dramatic to show how “powerful” they are. I married a nice guy who I love and respect, and who loves and respects me. No need for drama. No need for immature, macho power-plays, or the “damsel in distress” act. No need to pretend or act out a particular role.
Real love should be off-the-script (or at least off the Harlequin script). Authentic. Honest. Committed. Kind. Two people in search of a healthy, godly person to share their life with, not two types in search of romantic fulfillment or an idealized family life.
Here’s my concern. I see a lot of people waiting for a juicy stereotype to wander by. Someone who fits their definition of what a man/woman should be, whether that be a secular or spiritual definition. Sometimes they even set up elaborate tests to see whether another person fits their definition (I won’t go into that!).
But people don’t marry definitions. People marry people. Plying your expectations on other human beings is not kind, reasonable, or loving, either before or after marriage.
And fair warning: if you insist on marrying a Mr. Rochester, you’re probably going to get burned.
Please think twice.
Of course you should have standards. But there’s a drastic difference between godly standards and cultural stereotypes–even Christian stereotypes.
But hey–as long as it’s becoming popular to advise young Christian men and women about the type of person they should look for in a spouse, I’m going to jump on the bandwagon. I’ve been happily married for almost fifteen years (August 24!), and I think I did pretty darn well in the spouse department. 🙂 So I qualify, right?
Here’s my (unisex) advice about what to look for in a husband/wife:
Love is patient. (Not pushy.)
Love is kind. (Not brash or abusive.)
It does not envy. (No brooding jealousy or pouting when you get something they don’t.)
It does not boast. (No power-plays.)
It is not proud. (Not vain or unwilling to admit weaknesses.)
It is not rude. (Nuff said.)
It is not self-seeking. (Loving, mutual compromise for the other’s good should be the norm.)
It is not easily angered. (You SO do not want to live with an angry human being!)
It keeps no record of wrongs. (No shaming, emotional games, or manipulation.)
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. (WHY, exactly, are we so obsessed with harmful, unhealthy relationships?)
It always protects.
Always trusts.
Always hopes.
Always perseveres.
(1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
THAT sort of love never fails.
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