I first became familiar with Ed Cyzewski through the fabulous Women in Ministry series he hosted throughout 2012, making space on his blog to share guest posts by women in various forms of ministry.  His commitment to proactively share the stories of women, and his insistence on making his blog a safe place for them, free of controversy, contention, and internet trolls, caught my attention more than the stories themselves. The calm, steady advocacy he brought to the blog series is apparent in this post as well, and serves as an excellent example of what it means to submit to another person out of reverence for Christ–not getting tied up in what we feel entitled to, but respecting what God is doing in someone else’s life, and “arranging oneself under” that. 

About halfway up the Appalachian Trail’s ascent of Bromley Mountain in Vermont, my wife told me she wasn’t so sure she wanted to be a special education teacher. She’d worked hard at it for three years, and the hours and the stress weren’t letting up. If I’d allowed myself to really see it, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

What followed next shouldn’t have surprised me either.

“I’ve been praying about this, and I want to go back to graduate school for my PhD.”

“Wow,” I said, buying time so I could think of something else to say. “I’m sure we can figure something out. There have to be some universities over in Albany, right?”

“I don’t think there are any programs that are close enough.”

Thinking of the house we had just bought six months earlier, my stomach became queasy.

After seeking advice and prayer from a number of friends, we eventually decided to take the next step.

My wife took summer graduate courses at Middlebury College’s Breadloaf campus, spending four days there and three days at home.

While we looked over our options for graduate programs, another difficult matter came up: I had no idea about what to do with my life. I’d published a book, but after earning a Master of Divinity degree, I couldn’t figure out a next step.

I knew I wasn’t cut out for ministry in a church. I also knew that writing was anything but profitable as a career. Instead of pursuing writing, I’d worked at a nonprofit job for four long years that only proved how aimless my life had become.

As we talked about our future and prayed together, a patch work plan emerged. I couldn’t imagine myself in a cubicle. My wife couldn’t imagine staying home every day. While these tendencies would cause tension and conflict in some traditional households, we embraced our “non-traditional” preferences as strengths. We decided to start building our own kind of life together.

While my wife worked on her graduate degree, I would take on any kind of writing work I could find to supplement her stipend. By the time she graduated, I would be able to take my work to any town where she found a job.

As we honestly spoke about what we felt called to do, we found that we weren’t competing with each other. I didn’t want to be chained to a cubicle, and my wife’s career meant that being chained to a cubicle would be a liability. If I’d tried to become the bread winner, we both would have become miserable.

No one took the lead here. We worked as a team as we planned each step. I trust my wife to pray and to be honest with me. She trusted me enough to share her news that meant some big, tough changes.
We sold our Vermont house and moved into the basement apartment of a quirky bachelor.

We lived on a shoestring budget for two years while I figured out the best ways to earn money.

We moved several times before settling into a great opportunity for her at “The” Ohio State University.

We both work full weeks while now balancing a baby. It’s never easy, but it’s always good.

Neither of us has to watch the clock spin at a job that leaves us stressed or frustrated. Neither of us worries about the future because we have a plan. Neither of us worries about who’s “leading” our marriage.

Some couples fear that nothing would happen if there isn’t a man in charge to call the shots. However, I would suggest that it works far better if we both take responsibility to hear from God and to make decisions together. If anything, relying on one person to hear from God is more likely to result in making the wrong choice since there’s no way to confirm whether the right decision is being made.

We know that God is more than able to guide his people.

God doesn’t play games with us, and we shouldn’t have to set up rules and command structures. If a husband and wife are both yielded to Christ, why do we need to impose anything else on our relationships where man and woman are equally made to reflect the image of God?

Ed Cyzewski shares his imperfect and sometimes sarcastic perspective on following Jesus at www.inamirrordimly.com. He is the co-author of Hazardous: Committing to the Cost of Following Jesus and the author of Coffeehouse Theology. 

Next week’s Equally Yoked post is from Charity Erickson.

Want to contribute to the Equally Yoked series? Email Jenny at jennyraearmstrong@gmail.com.

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