Today’s Equally Yoked post is from Timothy Swanson. I first became acquainted with his writing when I read a brilliant article he wrote on the connection between the Christian Patriarchy Movement, which he experienced first-hand, and white supremacy. I was duly impressed, and I think you’ll love his writing too. 

When my wife and I were planning our wedding, we spent time discussing our vows. At the time, we were young, and still trying to find our way out of the Christian Patriarchy Movement. My bride insisted that she promise to obey me. I told her she could promise whatever she wanted, but that I would never require her obedience. I never have.

My views on marriage were based primarily on what I learned from observing my own parents. Their marriage was (and is) “functionally egalitarian.” Decisions are made mutually, and neither of them dominates. My father impressed on me from an early age that a real man is never domineering. His role in the marriage is characterized by love. By sacrifice of his own preferences for the good of the family. A man gives of himself. My father lived this out in front of us all. Whatever was necessary, he did it, whether it was working extra shifts to keep food on the table, staying up with a sick child, or performing any needed housework when my mom was overwhelmed. This year, my parents will celebrate 40 years of marriage.

One of the things I discovered early in our marriage is that a good marriage exists completely outside of the Complementarian/Egalitarian debate. It doesn’t matter, because a good marriage is just not about being in charge. Who would consider whether they are “obeying” their best friend? It doesn’t describe the relationship. Best friends and lovers building a life together have the same goals. I can honestly say that over the course of our marriage, we have never had to ask, “who gets to make this decision?” On the essentials, we already agree. When we are not sure how to solve a problem, we know that we need to brainstorm to get the best solution. We need to figure out together what we can and should do to accomplish our mutual goals.

I have also observed that when we do argue, the issue is almost never something that can be fixed by one party making a decision. Most of the time, we are simply stressed and tired and in need of time with each other. No amount of leadership or submission will help – but a nap probably will.

Both of us assumed when we married that we would eventually assume traditional gender roles, with me earning the living, and my wife raising and educating our children. However, circumstances conspired to change our minds, and we discovered that both of us would be happier with an alternative arrangement. I had made the decision to open my own law office, due to some opportunities that opened up at just the right time. My wife had just completed nursing school, and was working full time. And then, we discovered that we would be parents in eight months.

So, I had a brand-new business that was not yet making significant income, and I had a pregnant wife who depended on her job for her health insurance. We made the decision that she would take her three months of maternity leave, and we would decide what to do after that. After the birth of our first child, both of us felt that she would be happier working part time night shift rather than staying home full time. It also spread the financial risk between the two of us.

That meant that I would be alone with a three month old infant. And, you know what? I loved it. I discovered just how much I enjoyed my alone time with our children. I would absolutely never trade my experiences with them as infants as I believe it enabled me to bond in a way most fathers never get the chance to do. That is one reason why I bristle whenever someone refers to what I do as “babysitting.” I parent every bit as much as my wife does. I am just as comfortable having the kids for a weekend by myself as she is.

Likewise, we have discovered that we both do better when we spread the burden of housework out. I was raised to have excellent household skills, like my father. I already knew that we would share tasks more than most couples, because of our work schedules. All of the men in my family cook, and have dating back at least four generations. I informed my wife that the kitchen would be shared space, and that I expected to take an equal share. I have always loved cooking, and find that it is relaxing. I also enjoy teaching the kids to cook more than my wife. Thus, we split the cooking equally. We eat well.

Our relationship simply doesn’t fit a pre-made pattern. It has grown and changed as we have, and as our family’s needs have changed.

I never understood why a man would want to marry someone he could not respect. I chose a woman that I could honestly say was intelligent, competent, capable, and loving. In fact, she is at the top of my list of people I would want to be in charge in an emergency, as she is calm, decisive, and a good leader. Why would I want to stand in the way of her gifts? Rather, I know that either of us can step in and cover for the other during illness or a bad night with a baby. It isn’t about keeping score, or trying to fit a pattern. We both are willing to do whatever needs to be done. We both are invested in making the other a success rather than trying to play a role – and make the other do so as well.

I am an attorney in solo practice. I was a member of the inaugural class at Oak Brook College of Law, Bill Gothard’s affiliated law school, and spent time in ATI at the end of High School. I also play violin with the Bakersfield Symphony Orchestra. I blog and write and edit for the Res Ipsa Loquitur, the magazine published by the Kern County Bar Association. My wife Amanda is a Registered Nurse. She experienced the inside of the Christian Patriarchy movement as a member of Jonathan Lindvall’s home church. We have been married for nearly twelve years, and have five small children. 

Next week’s Equally Yoked post is from Caris Adel.

Want to contribute to the Equally Yoked series? Email Jenny at jennyraearmstrong@gmail.com.